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For The Ladies.......

 
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Dee
Rockhopper Penguin
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Joined: 26 May 2005

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2017 Jun 22 - 5:59 AM



Location: OHIO

PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:28 pm    Post subject: For The Ladies....... Reply with quote

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.' In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because," frankly, dear, You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get." By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.' As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?' This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door..
ROFL ROFL
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"What the heart gives away is never gone ... It is kept in the hearts of others."
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mini
Adélie Penguin
Adélie Penguin


Joined: 30 Jan 2008

Posts: 231
User's local time:
2017 Jun 22 - 11:59 AM



Location: Devon

PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh Dee that is so funny and yet so true, thank you for posting that story I did enjoy reading it Very Happy
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starfire
Moderator
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Joined: 25 May 2005

Posts: 5127
User's local time:
2017 Jun 22 - 6:59 AM


Food Intolerances : Gluten, Soy
Location: Pennsylvania

PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love this one!!!
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When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber"
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crranch
Gentoo Penguin
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Joined: 21 Feb 2008

Posts: 461
User's local time:
2017 Jun 22 - 5:59 AM




PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you're cracking me up

I love it.....but you need to add one little extra to the story. There are times that I am in public bathrooms with my service dog ( 100 lb Catahoula Leopard Dog ) and the door latch is broken, so I have trained Bourre to sit in front of the door and hold it for me. And she carries kleenex in the pocket of her service dog vest, since I quit carrying a purse years ago after the horse wreck....so you add into the mix a dog, squealing little kids wanting to play with the puppy that are waiting in line...and you add even more fun to a potty run in public...just have to laugh and go with the flow ( no pun intended ) bouncing with joy

Carrie
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Gas Bag
Adélie Penguin
Adélie Penguin


Joined: 01 Aug 2009

Posts: 198
User's local time:
2017 Jun 22 - 4:59 AM


Food Intolerances : None
Location: Washington State

PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love bath-room humor. We can all relate to it so well.

Boy my mom pounded that so into my head..DO NOT EVER SIT ON A PUBLIC TOILET SEAT

Now we have those damn automatic flush toilets at work, some of them flush themselves before you can even sit down. It takes a few seconds to get the seat liner on and all. I've even had a couple of them flush while I was still sitting on the pot. Shocked

Deb
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LC 12/06

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Happiness is a result of a decision to be happy.
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JLH
King Penguin
King Penguin


Joined: 17 Jun 2008

Posts: 4272
User's local time:
2017 Jun 22 - 5:59 AM


Food Intolerances : gluten, casein, soy, eggs, yeast; 3+ rice, chicken, corn, almond; 2+ tuna. oat, beef, cashew; 1+ white potato, walnut

PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pull off the tab thingy. Wink
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Joan
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